Getting off the Fence

Photo courtesy of Yofi Photography

There is no shortage of headlines, blog posts, online publications, and emotionally-charged discourse on the topic: fewer people are having children and many are adamant that they never will. And there is an endless supply of reasons given, from prioritization of career aspirations to financial difficulty to prohibitive health concerns to lack of a suitable partner to lack of societal support to doubt in the sustainability of the future to simple lack of desire. To have a child is an irreversible, permanent life decision. You can change your partner, your job, your body (to an extent, of course), your living situation, and your friends. You cannot “undo” having your own child. To have a child is a leap of faith that does not guarantee a “good” outcome and will alter life’s course with arguably the highest magnitude. With biological children, a woman’s body will change, her brain will change, and of course, every single life decision will be forever influenced by her child. It is no wonder, then, that increasingly many people are turned off by it. Like many things in life, it is difficult, maybe impossible, to predict or truly understand the impact of a child on your life without going through it on your own. And so, many adults in their childbearing years become “fencesitters,” remaining in limbo for years, or simply wait - “if it happens, it happens.”

Fortunately, we do have some data on the matter, even though it is quite difficult to study a question so lofty without any personal bias. I think it is fairly safe to say that most of us strive to make the world a better place in some way. For many of us, those contributions come from our career aspirations or acts of kindness and services that we give to the world. Such possibilities are plentiful - throughout my youthful years, I was delighted to have the fortune of immersing myself in many pursuits - travel, circus, fitness, photography, cycling, baking…all on top of a career and opportunity to seek an advanced degree. Why on earth set it aside to put myself through the trials of pregnancy and motherhood, forever worrying about my child’s well-being, and possibly set myself back by whatever number of dollars of earning potential (look up: motherhood penalty)? Why on earth set aside all this money for her to possibly reject me in the future? Why abandon my current identity which I’ve spent so many years cultivating?

Reflecting on my youth during which I was so absolutely sure that kids would not be in my future, I was absolutely enamored by the childfree life - seemingly limitless freedom and infinite potential to do whatever I wanted…forever. No responsibilities, no needy children, a freely customizable schedule, and plenty of peace and quiet. I relished my lifestyle, traveling extensively, never feeling bored or like anything was “missing,” so to speak. Life marches forward, no matter how you spend it, and with passing time comes a deteriorating body, with reproductive ability coming with an expiry date. Like most women, I was constantly reminded of the looming expiry of my fertility from well-meaning family, friends, and acquaintances, and boy was it annoying. With every life milestone comes a question of “when is it your turn?”

One of my greatest values is that of constant learning and growth. It took me a long time to be willing to evolve my identity over time. We are so sure of who we are that it’s natural to resist anything that can pull us in an unfamiliar direction. But after enough soul-searching, I naturally questioned my own assumptions about myself.

As I witnessed my parents aging and my friends choosing their paths, I started to wonder if I really wanted my life to be driven by fear. Fear of losing my freedom, my unencumbered lifestyle, and my youthful body and mind. Fear of ruining my marriage and forever living a life of regret. I started to wonder if by choosing to be scared away from something just so fundamental to human existence, if I was locking myself out of an entire universe of life experience. Parenthood is scary, but you’ll often hear it described in monumental terms. I had spent some time with a therapist as I was waffling on the decision of becoming a parent. I told her that what I loved most when I traveled to new places was the feeling of awe. She challenged me then - couldn’t I experience “awe” in my own ability to raise a child? I recognize that most of us are biologically hardwired into loving children, but it was a foreign concept. In order to understand, I needed to experience it for myself. If I was to learn about this whole concept of parenthood, about that new dimension of love that I had never experienced, I needed to face my fear and jump into the unknown. You cannot understand parental sacrifice as an outsider.

For so many people, that is such an easy, natural decision (and admittedly for some, the wrong one or a badly timed one, but that’s not in scope of my entry today). People just “expect” that they will “eventually” have children. It wasn’t so natural for me. I lived in terror for years, so much so that I lost a sense of what I truly wanted and adopted an attitude of indifference. To be fair, so many pieces needed to fall in place for me to feel like it was safe - finding a trusting partner, stabilizing my living situation, getting a stable job, growing my village. As a minimalist, a habitual planner, and non-spontaneous type, the idea of having children disrupt my life was paralyzing. A lot of soul-searching needed to occur for me to recognize that what I really wanted was to understand humanity, be a part of making a better future, and not be driven to indifference by fear. The truth is, you can never be certain. My child may reject me - how many children nowadays decide to “cut off their parents” or give them the silent treatment, forever riding an undercurrent of resentment? Foolishly or not, these are risks that I am willing to take, simply because exploring this new path of life is more important than the comfort of certainty.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found myself increasingly disconnected with the next generation. For most of us who are lucky enough to thrive into old age, we will eventually be at their mercy. I get that kids should not serve as a retirement plan, but to dismiss the idea of supporting children altogether is to vote for a future where there will not be enough capacity - emotional, physical, financial - to support the aging population. Most of us will be a part of that group and there is real economic consequence that is already playing out today. As my parents age I can foresee that their decision to have children is already paying off, as the four of us are helping them age with dignity. The sad truth is that time will keep marching forward no matter what we do and there is no turning back. One day I will lose my fertility and that chapter of my life that I have taken for granted for so long will permanently close.

I spent many years on the fence and I happily took advantage of them. But I began to realize was that I did not want to become indifferent, fearful of change, and unwilling to be uncomfortable. More than anything, I wanted to learn and experience something that would elevate my understanding of the joys and sorrows of humanity, even if it would be unbearably exhausting and frustrating at times. We can come up with infinite reasons not to do something because it’s scary and social media and online discourse is happy to provide an echo chamber to validate our sentiments. But sometimes, we need to dissect those thoughts in a vacuum in order for us to understand ourselves and the world around us.

It will be a journey into a great unknown - a new adventure with its own trials and tribulations. But I’m hopeful that it will open the door to a new love and understanding of life - a unique, priceless, and privileged experience.